Fantastic Ways to Annoy an Artisan: A Holiday Shopping Guide

Working for a successful artisan has taught me that, while many potential customers possess an uncanny god-given gift of saying rude, annoying things about even the most beautiful handmade items, most of you have a little work to do if you want to achieve a truly irritating level of offensive customership. "But Very Sage," you might ask, "how can I be as annoying as the gifted people of whom you speak?" Look no further! Here is a handy-dandy little guide that I call Fantastic Ways to Annoy an Artisan. Make the most of your holiday shopping by taking this guide to your local craft fair/gallery shop/trunk show. Within minutes, you too will be as irritating as an experienced looky-loo.

1. Grab fragile items off of displays without asking for help. Don't bother with being stealthy; if you want to be truly annoying, stealth is not your friend. Try garments on in a way that stretches, snags, or otherwise compromises the material (bonus points if you leave a smudge of Wet 'n' Wild lipstick on something white). Then, if you're really interested in an advanced level of annoyance, cough on the garments before placing them back on the rack. Whatever you do, never return the item to its proper place. If you have the gift of annoyance, you can easily mess up 3 or 4 other items in the process.

2. Select a beautiful and complicated item, preferably made of  a costly material like cashmere. Try it on (see above), then loudly inform the artisan that you have something just like it. Open your absurdly large handbag and pull out a sweatshop-made, petroleum-based, mass-produced eyesore from Forever 21 that bears little to no resemblance to the item. Watch as the artisan tries to maintain a level of friendly decorum. If you look really closely, you can usually see a piece of her soul die. Bonus points: say "And this only cost $14! Why is yours so much more expensive?"

3. Everyone loves children, especially when they have little jam-covered fingers! Many artisans truly enjoy children and welcome them into their shops. Take advantage of this goodwill as a form of free babysitting. If you are able to engage in some advance planning, encourage your offspring to touch everything they can. Watch your child from afar -- not for the sake of supervision, but for the sake of determining whether your child has an innate talent for annoying artisans. You will know as soon as you see a little finger go up a nose before touching hand-dyed silk. If you have been careful in your selection of the artisan that you wish to annoy, you have chosen one that feels bad about criticizing your parenting style and tries to bring your attention to your child in a polite and roundabout way. Bellow something about taking your business to a more family-friendly establishment as you storm off, preferably knocking down a display on your way out.

4. Five simple words: "I could make this myself." This phrase is most effective when cheerfully uttered in front of something that took at least 5 days to complete. Throw in a comment about how you learned to garter stitch from grandma/made a clay pot at summer camp when you were 11/once held a crochet hook in 1973. This shows the artisan that you two have so much in common! You will no doubt become lifelong friends.

Remember, truly annoying an artisan takes work. Don't expect success on your first attempt. However, with study and practice, you may one day be able to combine all of these techniques in one shopping expedition!